There are days – or is it nights – when 3 a.m. happens. I wake up and there I am, awake. I am not tired or sleepy, I am somehow unable to get back to sleep, and it is simply time to get up.

It’s not that my mind is racing in any sort of crazy way, it’s just time to get up. There are any number of things that it seems like I could always be doing, but those things aren’t rushing through my head. It’s just me and 3 a.m. Does this ever happen to you?

These are actually some of my favorite moments in life, because in these early hours very little is happening and all seems peaceful. My wife is sleeping quietly beside me. Our son is a room away, tucked into his dreams. The dog, though awake as I sneak past him in the hallway, is groggy and not straining in the least to rise.

There is space for my thoughts, room for my mind to breathe… so little distraction at this hour. This is a beautiful spot in time.

It has been just over a year since I last posted here, but I hope to see that change in 2014. It’s not an official resolution or anything like that, I just think there will be more to write about this year, or perhaps simply more of a discipline to focus in on those things most valuable to me, of which one is writing.

Cheers!

– Chad

No, not a gun control post.

This bang bang is from the movie that Aiden watched today, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. And then he went to quiet time and made this:

Bang!

We had a quiet, relaxing day at home. It seemed to last forever, which was a good thing as I pondered it. Here are some photos of things I hung up on the walls while we quietly rested as a family.

Mirror in the Back Room

There are some cute extras in these mirror pictures. We decided the small pictures that had been where this mirror now resides were looking paltry there on the wall. Instead we moved this mirror here and hung it in their place.

Picture Frame in Back Room

This picture frame had hung in the kitchen along the same wall where the mirror was. This is a neat frame that can hold many pictures of your personal artwork. Have an artistic child who’s always creating? Don’t want to toss out all their neat pictures or just store them the basement? This heavy duty frame anchors with two screws in the back and swings open on the bottom to allow you simple access to place the next picture in and the entire set of interior pictures adjusts back to continue storing previous art.

The Window in the Kitchen

So we have this old window that’s been in our basement for a decade or so. It was one of those things we picked up along the way at a garage sale or something. Feels good to put it into use and it makes the this wall loads of fun!

Not a ton of work, but a lot of fun to see this work accomplished. Along the way I touched up the paint on the kitchen wall and the back room walls. A fine day of rest, indeed!

Had a fun day at home with my wife and son today. Sometimes it’s all I can ask for when taking a vacation day to go most of the day with little or no interruptions from the office. Today worked out quite well, as there were really no calls from work and only a few easily-handled emails.

In the morning we took Aiden to the fairgrounds. Alas, it was not for The Fair, but rather to vote in the Presidential Election. We did our best to explain to him the value of the privilege. Most of it is lost on his 5-year-old mind, but perhaps when he grows up the image of it will be a strong imprint.

Then we made our way to Target and did a little shopping, plus we got Mommy a coffee treat in the form of a Chai Tea Latte. I’m not a drinker of “treat-style” coffee drinks, so I passed on anything from Fourbucks and simply waited until we got home to brew my own coffee.

The morning passed with some leaf-raking and yard clean-up, as well as a bit of quiet and leisure. After left-overs we headed to Hinckley Lake to enjoy a long walk and some half-way snacks that we obtained from the boat house mid-way point. The boy jumped and ran and bounced his way along while we towed the dog with us. Everyone had a very good time.

After we returned home, Allyson decided to continue some yard work, part of which was the trimming of our infamous Front Rose Bush. It’s a hearty climbing rose that blooms and blooms every year, but has taken over a bit in recent years. Here are some photos of her trimming and surveying her work.

Some days are just more hopeful than others. I think the Sun has something to do with that, but only in part. The uneventful, family-style nature of this day has been a real treat to my soul. I am grateful for my small tribe and the sweetness of days like today.

At some point in the past I decided to let go of my domain name, chadvoller.com. The thought occurred to me, “I don’t really need this domain name, and I have a catchy one, asformeandmyblog.com.” Alas, I found myself wanting it back, and after more than a year I was able to grab it again. There is another Chad Voller out there, which I find somewhat odd, since my last name is uncommon, but hey, go figure. I think he owns a business of some kind in Wisconsin or Minnesota.

The weather today is rather tame in contrast to my wedding day 15 years ago. I was unprepared in many ways for this journey of marriage. Though about to begin our senior year of college together, we were together largely ignorant to the pains and pleasures of a long-term commitment like this.

That day was unrelentingly hot and humid. We were getting married outdoors, in her backyard. You have to know that when I say “her back yard,” I really am talking about a piece of paradise created and nurtured by her mother and father. Acres of bliss with immaculate flowers and trees, lined with a playful mini-forest that was home to a mighty creek. It was a childhood fantasy for her to have grown up there, something that you read about in books. THAT was her back yard, and we were getting married there, at the gazebo her father had built specially for the occasion. A beautiful scene.

She was amazingly gorgeous on her way down the aisle, stunningly and elegantly beautiful, next to her adoring father who I can imagine was filled with thoughts and emotions that only a father could understand. In my heart and mind the whole thing was one big, “Wow. Just wow.” The collected friends and family, the years of my life coming down to a moment, the following down a trail blazed by our parents and others before us, and the incredible woman walking toward me. It was quite a moment in time.

Then, a short while into the reception, the heavens opened and poured thunderous rain down on us, nearly collapsing the tent that was set up for the event. A young cousin was missing for some time while we feared the roaring creek may have gotten the best of her, only to find her playing in a mini-van nearby. Some guests took the divine intervention as a sign and left for home while some simply enjoyed the chaos of the moment. Allyson downed a few extra gulps of champagne and wondered if things could get any worse. Somehow we made it through the excitement and no one was too much worse for the wear. Phew!

Fifteen years later we can say that we’ve been through difficult times. The year after we married her mother drew ill with luekemia and passed away in June. Following were several years of working through that with the associated pain and struggles in our relationship and with others. We were barren, too, to make things worse, when we wanted so desperately to have children. We tried for years after moving to Ohio, only to be met with constant disappointment.

Personal sin of mine cost me my ministry and income, deeply and profoundly wounding my wife, but she forgave me and stayed with me, loving me beyond what I deserved. We’ve also lost my grandparents and all but one of hers during these years, and several years ago learned of my mother’s decline into early onset Alzheimer’s, affecting her at the young age of 60.

“What’s the weather like today?” you may ask. My iPhone can tell me what the weather services have predicted regarding today’s forecast, and even a few days ahead. The truth is, though, no one knows. No one can tell you what is coming next in your life, no matter how convincing they are. No one can foresee the difficulties or troubles that are right around the corner for you. No one can guarantee that you’ll be happy or successful or that your life will be filled with every kind of joy imaginable. It doesn’t work that way. You know what I’ve learned about that, though? It’s ok.

It’s ok because in the end it is not we, but God who is in control of this life. It’s ok because the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. It’s ok because we came into this world naked and we’ll leave naked. In all of the in between turmoil, sweat, joy, sorrow, growth and pain there is One who holds the universe in His hands. And in the end, all will be made right by Him. In the end His plan of redemption and renewal will be fulfilled because no one can thwart His purposes. Had we been blessed with biological children, we never would have opted for the fostering route. We then would never have met our son. How ya like them apples? We got a son!

It’s easy to look at the weather and curse it. When it’s dry we want rain. When it rains we want cloudless skies. Through all the weather of our lives, though, God is faithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I’m holding onto that truth with a tight grip these days. In spite of all the weather we’ve endured, Allyson and I are better friends for it. It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t make it this far in our marriage, because it was never an option for either of us when we said our vows. Still, though, the faithfulness of God in the midst of our lives has drawn us deeper into each other, and for that I am grateful today.