You spend your whole life waiting for something, then you have it, then you don’t want it.  We have an amazing propensity to despise the things we want once they become the things we have.  Yet this may not be a bad thing when you dig beneath the surface.

I love my family.  There is an amazing comfort and confidence that comes from my marriage.  Union with Allyson is my foremost treasured relationship on earth.  Scripture paints a picture of my unity with Christ that mimics marriage.  It is a wonderful, marvelous mystery that holds, heals, challenges, teaches and grows. 

But even in the strength of a strong marriage, I want to get away from it sometimes.

Then there are the children and the incredible responsibilities of raising a family.  Added to that are the difficulties of the foster-to-adopt process.  I love the boys we now have.  I will love whatever boys or girls may come in time.  Fathering them brings great joy to my heart, though you all know parenting is filled with hardships and heartaches.  Even though the toil and laughter combine into a rich personal experience, still I long to be away from it all sometimes.

Do you ever feel that way?  Even though you have a blessed life, a family you love, or perhaps you are in a situation that just works for you… you still want to leave it sometimes, even if for just a little while?  Do you feel guilty because of that desire?  I don’t think you should.

Relationships need to breathe, they need space.  Even daily.  What I choose to do with my space when I have it, is of utmost importance.  I admit I’m not always functioning at a high level at 3 a.m.  But I know that it may be the only alone time that I get today. 

So, here I am, in my alone time.  The middle-of-the-night baby feedings often happen around 3 or 4 a.m., and it may take the baby an hour or two to settle in and get back to sleep.  There are nights, like this one, when going back to sleep doesn’t make much sense.  I’ll be getting up in an hour or two, anyway, so why work hard at sleeping when I may get but a few moments with dreams?

But what to do during the alone time?  Or is it really alone time?  I’m not convinced that any time we have is ever spent truly alone.  It may be, however, that only when we remove the distractions of daily existence, and yes, people can fit into the category of distractions, are we able to see what is with us when we are alone.  We have our thoughts, and we have input, even if we are sitting quietly.

My goal is to spend my alone time together with God, thinking about him and the world, getting refreshed by his presence and his word.  In that way, my heart and mind will be ready to re-engage in those ever so important relationships I mentioned above.  Alone time really should be together time.  Together with God in conversation, in meditation.  I need more alone time.

Mark 1:35

Writing is… well, hard to describe.  I am certain that I am not the only one who struggles with writing or creativity.  Some of the time, though, I think I over-think it.  Again, I am probably not alone.  Lately, though, the process of just getting something written down has been arduous.  There are days when I think, “Just write something…anything!”  Still, even with that, there are still times when just makes it to the page.  Lonely page.

Over the years I’ve written poems, songs, music, hymns, letters, blog posts, articles, speeches, sermons, and the like.  There have been periods in my life where these freely flow from soul to sonnet, but the well of late runs dry. 

What to do when the well runs dry?  Put something on the page?  Literally?  Even if it’s just an admission of failure?  Even if it’s just the sentence, “I have nothing to say.”  What stands out to me, though, is that during the drought there are still so many ideas, so many things that spark thoughts, of, “Oh, I should write on that…” or, “I was just thinking about that the other day in the car…” or, “So and so brought up that idea in conversation a few minutes ago.” 

It isn’t as though there are no ideas, concepts, or stories to write about.  Not at all.  They are all around.  I can’t get away from them.  Still, nothing.  This post is the most I’ve been able to utter with any coherence on the matter.  I really don’t know where to go from here.  Where do YOU go if and when you arrive here, where so much surrounds and yet so little gets created?

Even when nothing results from the inner writer, I comfort myself with, “At least the desire is there.”

So, there’s this cute little guy who has lived with us for 1 week.  He’s just 9 days old, and we’ve already become quite fond of him.  I don’t have a LOT of pictures of him, but I do have some fun ones here.  Enjoy!

Day 1 or 2, Can’t Remember

With Big Brother

Middle ‘O the Night a couple days later

Been a few crazy awesome weeks… here are some photos from recent days.  We recently had a special visit with Grandpa and Grandma Voller, who were in town from Texas…

didn’t wanna wear his hat for me

somehow convinced him (and Ally coaxed a smile!)

making faces and fund with friends at Bob Evan’s

taking pictures while driving (it was just too beautiful)

Grandma and Grandpa (games with his stuffed kitty)

Click the first image and enjoy a slide show…

In different parts of our yard, we have different gardens.  Allyson has a green gift, as those of you who know her are already aware.  Her mother kept an immaculate garden at their beautiful home for many years, and I think Ally could not help but fall in love with the earth’s splendor. 

Robin tirelessly toiled to keep the yard looking so incredible, and Allyson works hard on our yard, too.  I think if we do not win a beautification award from the city at some point, she will be quite disappointed, considering some of the awarded yards in years past.

We tilled the soil in part of this garden today, and planted young flowering bushes.  There is likely a more appropriate classification for these plants, but hey, I’m not the gardener.  Anyway, as we tilled and planted, which is not easy work, I got to thinking about the soil of our hearts.

Our hearts are appropriate as a garden metaphor, and I can see parallels between our yard with several gardens and our hearts with many corners.  Much of the time gardening involves getting rid of the things we don’t want crowding the spaces; weeds, rogue plants, rocks, stubborn roots.  These things creep in over time and slowly destroy the beauty of the garden if we are not vigilant.  Before knowing Christ, we once walked in ways that are no longer acceptable.  Paul tells us to put these things away:

⁵Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. ⁶Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. ⁷You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. ⁸But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices ¹⁰and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator

Like this side garden in our yard, the soil in our hearts can develop hardness and grow weeds.  Sometimes, it is one particular part of our hearts that needs tending.  Maybe we keep a secret patch for lies or vanity.  Sometimes we harbor a tough plot of bitterness or anger, or resentment toward a particular family member.  Left alone they become overgrown with weeds that can eventually grow to reach other parts of our heart, and begin to erode at the beauty they find there.

When they get like this, it may take tough love from the Maker, in the form of tilling that heart-soil to prepare it for something beautiful.  While I was tilling today, the ground was tough, dry, and needed to be broken.  After I had tilled the soil, it then needed to be raked into order, then holes were dug to make room for the plants.  I wondered to myself, “How often is my heart just like this?  How many times have I neglected things in my own heart to the point where God needs to take drastic action to break me, soften me, get me in order, and pour His growing water into my life?”

The good news about gardening is that when all of the hard work is done, you are left with a thing of beauty, or at least something that is on the way to becoming beautiful.  It isn’t that the plants or flowers are instantly marvelous.  Rather, it takes even more time and attention to ensure they come to life and are as beautiful as possible.  Eventually, though, with tender care, repeated watering, and removing the evil in the soil around, they produce amazing results.

There may be chastening along the way, heartache and sorrow, pain and discipline.  At long last, though, the Savior makes way in our hearts to plant the fruit of the Spirit, and He cultivates those things in us that please Him most, reflect Him most, and so are most beautiful and pleasing to him.  But oh, it hurts along the way.

2nd Cor. 3:18 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Here’s one for all you foodies!

The Saturday breakfast in VollerHAUS is Pancakes and Bacon… You can substitute your favorite breakfast meat, and even occasionally do waffles instead.  Today is July 5th, though, so we’re having Saturday on Monday.  On the 3rd, we had a fun canoe trip with family, so we missed out on Pancakes and Bacon.

For those who might be interested, this is my tried and true Buttermilk Pancake recipe:

2 cups flour
2 T sugar
1 t power
1 t soda
1/2 t salt

2 eggs
2 cups buttermilk
4 T butter, melted
1 t vanilla (mmmm)

In the meantime, the large skillet has been heating on 4, because you don’t want the burner too hot.

Here I’ve already mixed together the dry ingredients, then I dump all the other stuff in and mix it up.  I leave the vanilla for last, after I’ve mixed the wet with the dry.

Oh, did you notice the chocolate chips?  Allyson loves them in her pancakes, so I put several in hers after I get them cooking.  If you add them into the batter directly, it makes for an ugly batter, and the chips tend to melt into the rest of the mix, thus stealing the joy of individual chip crunching when consumed.

I cook the bacon in one big mess, the whole 1 lb. package.  We use the leftover bacon for other foods throughout the week, and perhaps I’ll do my Pasta Carbonara this week and show that recipe, as well.

Everyone needs a helper!

A few minutes later and we’re in pancake heaven.

Again, always in motion… and this weekend he moved from his little blue truck, to his dump truck, to his BIG dump truck.

The yellow boots have become his outside playtime signature.  I tried catching him in motion as much as I could, and got several shots.  I won’t post the glut that I did in my last post, but here are some Little A. images to satisfy the hunger of those who need a fix.

Little Truck

Dump Truck

BIIIIIG Dump Truck

And the always present little black guest: